Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
