she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
