It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
