I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
