You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
