You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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