how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
