k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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