You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
