I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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