She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
