Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
