and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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