I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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