My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
