finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
