On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
