If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
