You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
