There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
