I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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