Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
