So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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