I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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