Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
