fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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