During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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