I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
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More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
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It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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