Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
