Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
