He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
