My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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