Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
