I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
