omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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