it wasn't lemon gatorade
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
