I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
What drink are we having for lunch?
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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