Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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