I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
