weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
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Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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