I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My ATM looks so different sober.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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