He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
