We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
