when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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