I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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