He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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