Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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