I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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