Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
