you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
