he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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