Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
