her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
