Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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