help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
