No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
