all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
